


I believe I'm fine

by strongbabe88



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), star wars the last jedi
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, First Kiss, Homophobia, If you want - Freeform, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Oblivious Finn, Poe Dameron/Finn Fluff, Poe Needs A Hug, Temporarily Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-23
Updated: 2018-01-06
Packaged: 2019-02-19 07:01:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13118526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strongbabe88/pseuds/strongbabe88
Summary: Poe tries to convince himself he's helping his friend Finn find his place and teach him about the world. But Finn is a fast learning and Poe soon enough feels like he's standing on the sidelines instead of growing with Finn as fins his spot in his new life.





	1. Chap 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi. Haven't written anything in forever. I'll write a chapter two with a happy-ish ending. Probably? Haha. I like to torture my babies. Ye, hope you enjoy. Feel free to leave a comment! Sorry, this is unbetad. Hope it's not utter crap.

He woke up from a nightmare, sweating, his heart beating a thousand beats a minute. That room on the Finalizer forever a part of him no matter how hard he tried to run from it.

A familair hand on his back makes him catch his breath and closes his eyes. Counting to ten in his mind as he feels lazy fingers rub at his spine comfortingly. He opened his eyes again even though the room is dark, turning and laying back down, leaning into Finn and sighing softly. The other’s arms wrap around him soothingly and Poe thinks it’s bittersweet that Finn came from the same place his haunted memories do.  
They get close real quick and Poe is too selfish to stop it. Knows it’s at least a little wrong. Finn still knows so little. 

He tried to be a teacher, but fuck him, it’s been ages since he’s last felt alive and wanted like this. Flying his x wing was his life, but in a live fast die young kind of way. Finn made him feel grounded in a way he had always thought wasn’t for him.

Maybe it wasn’t, anyway. 

One evening they were on the shift that got time off. Time to drink, have some fun, be able to relax for a day or two before the shifts rotated again and it was back to endless patrols and supply runs. Poe had dragged Finn out to the cafeteria that had been transformed into the shittiest bar Poe had ever seen. And he had seen a few alright. But they had booze so the pilot didnt complain too much and it was good enough to watch Finn react to it all.

Finn had pulled a face at the drink Poe had gotten him. Giving his friend a shaky laugh and sipping it anyway, always trying to fit in and catch up. Poe chuckled and clasped an arm around his buddy’s shoulders.  
It didn’t take very long or people were dancing, others playing cards or simply chatting and drinking. Poe and Finn were seated at the bar, Poe ratling on about some adventure he had been on while they oberved the others. Finn liked that, people watching. Poe guessed it was so observe and learn, but he never asked. Finns eyes had been glued to something for a long while and Poe finally dragged his own gaze from the handsome one beside him to see what was so interesting. He snorted, seeing a few of the females dancing sensually to a slower song. Nudging his buddy in the shoulder he chuckled and got them another round. “You feeling like getting some tonight, buddy?” Poe slurred, wriggling his eyebrows at his friend. He liked to torture himself like this. He was used to playing a good wingman either way.  
Finns eyebrows furrowed as he looked back at his friend, pursing his full lips before blinked and tried an awkward laugh. “Yea, yes sure. Get some.” He said too loud, squirming as Poe seemed to immediately zoom in on his weird behaviour. Great.

“…Finn. I meant,” Poe rolls his eyes and waves his hands around, glass still in one and some alocohol sloshes over the side. “Get it on. Hook up. You know? With..” he looked over at the girls and waved his hands around again. Finn just looked at the other dumbstruck before something slowly starts to dawn on the younger ones face. 

He gets all flustered and embarassed and Poe chuckles affectionately, loving to tease Finn like this. He knows it must be hard for his friend, but it’s all sorts of endearing when he gets like this.   
Finn stops spluttering and tells Poe to shut up. Sipping his drink and wincing again, shoulders stiff as he peers at the girls again before looking down at his hands. Poe blinks a little, puts his glass down and nudged Finn with his leg more gently now. “Hey, didn’t mean it like that,” he mutteres, almost throwing in a ‘you’re adorable’ but he’s not quite drunk enough. “Hey pal, cmon.” He slurs again, and Finn snaps, straightening up with his eyes a little wide as he bites out , “I’ve never even kissed anyone, how am i supposed to…!?”. Poe sits back at the small outburst and Finn is already apologising for it. The older man waves it off. Squeezes Finns shoulder and downs his drink. 

Once they’re back at his room he tries to struggle out of his clothes. Finn already in his sleeping clothes, sitting quietly on the egde of his bunk watching him. Poe turns, half entangled in his shirt as he snorts. “Hey, if you’re gonna watch you have’ta pay.” Finn goed red and Poe chuckles, finally getting out of his clothes, pulling on a tshirt and walking over to Finn to press a kiss tot he top of his short hair. The younger one relaxed a little, before he sighs. 

“You still thinking about that? Kissing?” Poe asks, sitting down next to Finn on his bed instead of moving over to his own against the opposide wall.   
Finn nods quietly, before bringing his hands up to his face. “It feels like.. Every time I learn something new and apply it, fit in just a little better, something else comes up and i just fall right back out of line.”   
Poe’s chest aches a little as he hears how dejected the other sounds. He reaches out, giving the others knee a soft squeeze and he realises it’s a mistake when Finn looks up at him in the dimly lit room. The other’s eyes so wide, their expression so sincere. How could he ever start trying to fight that?   
“Maybe you could..?” Finn starts, his voice barely a whisper, but filled with hope and Poe is already breathing back a rushed “Yes. Yea, sure, ofcourse buddy.” Leaning in slow, giving Finn the time to jerk back and say this was a mistake and not what he was asking of Poe at all.   
But Finn just sits there, eyes still wide, but his lips part just slightly and Poe knows he’s done for. Tilting his head to the side a little, closing the space between them as his eyes flutter shut and he presses their lips together.

It’s slow and searching and mostly Poe, which makes him pull back after a moment to open his eyes again and look at Finn a little unsure. The ex storm trooper blinks his eyes open, licking his lips and Poe needs all his self restrain not to just kiss him again. Instead he gives the other a dashing smile. “That, Finn, is a kiss. Easy, right?” he says airily, sitting back a little and running a hand through his curls to keep his nerves at bay. 

Finn looks at him, soft and trusting. Almost moving in sync with him when Poe sits back and Finn follows him, being the one to lean in close this time. “Easy? Like this?” he barely whispers and Poe feels a shudder run down his spine as his friend leans closer, hesitating the last millimeter before pressing their lips together again. Poe makes a soft sound and reaches up to slide his hand into Finns neck and keep him close. His friend kissing him wth determination now, like a hungry student ready to soak up everything Poe had to teach him. 

Something in the back of Poe’s mind is telling him this is wrong. That’s all this is. Finn is learning from him. He shouldn’t be feeling anything else.   
But he’s weak and selfish and maybe he’s a hopeless romantic at heart. Thinking that, maybe Finn feels it too. The connection between them. Maybe he’s not just clutching at straws.

They spend more evenings like this. Kissing, exploring. Finn asking questions and Poe easily answering them as if it’s no big deal. As if this is exactly what friends do. 

There’s rumours and Finn does ask Poe about it with a frown on his face. Poe laughs it off, charming as always. On the base rumours are what keeps people sane, keeps their minds off the bad stuff for a while. He tells the rumours he heard about Snap and one of he twi’leks that used to hung out at their old base. Finn chuckles, his cheeks a little pink and Poe loves that is shows even through the others dark skin.   
As time passes, Finn manages to slowly make friends at the base. First Poe introduces him to his fellow pilots and they usually eat to gether at the mess hall. But Finn develops his own interests, starts to train and meet other people at the base. Poe watches quietly, sometimes wishing he could keep Finn to himself. Loathing his feelings a little, but the other, better part of him so proud to see his friend blossom with his help. 

Time trickles by and eventually Finn and Poe kiss less than before. Finn satisfied with learning about this, Poe agreeing with whatever his friend wants. Whenever one of them has a bad dream they still end up in bed now and then,but it’s a different kind of energy. A shared trauma and understanding. 

Poe’s dark eyes follow Finn around the busy staff room as his friend is laughing at one of the girls. He started talking about her a little while ago, but Poe had seen him look even before that. Had dismissed it. But he couldn’t anymore as it was happening under his nose. 

Snap nudged him and gave him a weird look before Poe slipped back on his dashing smile and scratched the back of his head. 

That evening he was pacing the room and Finn went quiet, watching his friend move around a little nervous. Poe noticed the silence only a little later, turning around to stare at Finn as if caught in the act. His friend offered him that open, warm smile he had grown so accustomed too. He realised once again what a mistake it had been to let Finn in so deep. 

“Hey, sorry pal. I was just.. you like Nili, right?” He watched Finn go from bewildered to a little embarrassed, to god help him, looking love struck and nodding at his friend. Poe swallowed, but his mouth felt as dry as jakku either way. “Yea okay.” He said more to ground himself then Finn. “You know how we- we practiced kissing?” he started out quietly, and Finn just nodded again, ever the obedient pup. “Uhm. Well bud, there was nothing wrong with that. But not everyone.. practices that with their friend.” He said softly, moving to sit down next to Finn and giving him a small, unsure smile. Finn was quiet for a moment, as he always was when presented with new information. Poe fidgeted, before Finns hand reached out to stop him. “Thank you,” he said so honest that Poe felt like human trash again, giving the other the smallest smile he could make believable. “I get it. I think.” Finn continued softly, giving Poe a smile too, leaning to press a kiss to his friends temple. Finn gave the other the space to say or explain more, but Poe had never been good at talking. About his feelings, anyway. 

It was as if their little talk had been a catalyst of sorts, as Poe spotted Finn sitting with Nili the eating his food and laughing at her stories the days after. He swallowed. Hearing the excited stories Finn told about the girl every evening, at one point asking Poe if he was boring him with all this a little concerned and Poe put his biggest grin on and told him he was just jealous Finn was finally getting some action. His friend blushed fiercely, but smiled too and Poe felt his heart sink a little deeper. 

Finn always made sure to make time for Poe even when they weren't room mates anymore. Eventually Poe started missing their appointments. Not wanting to hold his friend down. He saw the hurt in his friends face when they bumped into each other and Poe would brush him off, pretending to be too busy to talk. It was better for the both of them, Poe kept telling himself as his stomach turned and made him feel sick.  
Nili didn’t like him much and the feeling was mutual, but they did their best not to have Finn let on. They at least agreed that Finn would be devastated and they couldn’t let that happen. 

Poe greedily took every mission anyone had, burying himself into work. Almost back to before. Before Finn had crashed into his life when he had almost given up on everything.   
He kept doing that thing, watching the two of them and feeling sick in his stomach. Yes, he was truly happy for Finn. But he was also 100% jealous and devastated it wasn’t him the other man was holding hands with and stealing glances at. 

He had been so close, already one foot in the door. Had told himself, maybe they weren’t just pretending to teach Finn what he needed to know for the real world. Maybe they had been real. But those thoughts were folly. Like a piece of gum stuck under someones boot, sitting there like an annoyance. 

Poe would still wake up, feeling the claws of that tyrant Ren raking through his memories and soul in the dead of night. There was no warm embrace for him waiting anymore, which made the mess inside of him even more tangled up every time he woke up in a panic. BB-8 beeped softly at him from the corner where it charged at night and Poe shushed it. A humourless chuckle leaving his lips as he finally laid back onto his pillow, thinking this was it. This was going to be the rest of his life. He tried to convince himself he wasn’t sure it had been worth it, but the worst part was that he knew it had been some of the most meaningful moments of his existence.


	2. Chap 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks everyone for reading! I feel like my writing can be a little all over the place, but i just love these two so much i had to write this down!  
> So here's the happy ending :) hope you guys like it.  
> Again, this is un betad so sorry for any mistakes.  
> This chapter in Finns POV

Sometimes, laying in bed at night when he couldn’t sleep, he would still wonder. Was it something he had done wrong?  
He always tried to shake it off, eventually falling asleep and waking up the next morning to start fresh again. Time zipped by, they found a new base and support, moved in, fought against Kylos troops again, trained with Rey, had to say goodbye to Rey, moved to yet another base, got caught in an ambush and so on and so forth. 

Still, the only constant in his life was Poe, even if the other tried his best not to run into Finn now a days. But Finn was stubborn and he never failed to give Poe a smile when he saw the other man.  
He had his own room at the new base, Nili and him still seeing each other at times, but things had happened and somehow they had grown apart so quick. But there were no hard feelings and he couldn’t say he minded a familair body in his bed once in a while. 

When Rey visited again, he felt his mood lift instantly. Finn was used to it by now, having to wait to get her attention as she always came with news and had to brief the general and everyone else in charge of all the important stuff. It had made him angry and frustrated before, wanting to see his friend, but he knew better now. He’s see her eventually and things were fine. He still silently prided himself in being able to adapt and slowly become a better version of himself one day at a time.

When she finally found her way to his room late that evening, he welcomed her with a bright smile. She returned it, her eyes going small and her dimples appearing. They hugged and Finn pampered her, wrapping her in a blanket, putting a drink in her hand he had been saving ever since the last raid. Even rubbing her shoulders untill she laughed and swatted him away.  
“So tell me what you’ve been up too?” She asked him, looking tired but still smiling and genuinly interested in his well being.  
Finn shrugged, talking some about his training and the rumours on base. Chuckling as Rey sipped the strong drink and almost choked on it for a moment. “Did Poe give you this?” She asked knowingly, before her face went more serious. Seeing Finn’s expression falter when she mentioned the other man and she sighed. Wrapping a little closer in her cocoon of blankets before taking another small sip, her keen eyes still focused on Finn.

He sighed a little, shifted and then shrugged. “No. I mean. He’s still… avoiding me? I don’t know. Maybe that’s what happens with friends?” He said with another shrug before his shoulders slumped down again. Rey was already opening her mouth but he quircked an eyebrow at her to shut her up. “Don’t start giving me advice about friendship now, I was your first friend, remember?” They looked at each other for a second before they both laughed. A comfortable silence stretching between them before Finn sighed a little again. 

“You miss him. Go talk to him, make him sit down.”

She didnt pose it as a question and Finn just sighed again.  
When he didnt answer, he heard her rummage around in the blankets and before he could stop her she had moved to swat him over the head.

“Seriously! You guys are..” she made a frustrated sound, which made Finn laugh again and pull her closer for a hug. Reminded once more how much he missed his rebel pilot friend. Rey was amazing and he loved her, but it had always been different with Poe. First he thought it was because they were both guys. But he slowly realised it wasn’t, but accepted it as something special. Yet, when he had been alone with Poe in their most intimate moments, he had often felt like the pilot had been keeping something back. Finn thought if he would wait long enough he would learn about it, Poe would tell him what was going on like he always did. But he never had and now..

Rey nudged him again and rolled her eyes. “Seriously Finn,” she sighed, “You’ve both looked miserable ever since..” she moved her hands a little, before reaching out for her drink and forcing a sip on Finn too. He gulped down the liquor he was offered before frowning. “Since what?” he asked, not sure he was catching on. Rey looked at him for a long moment then and he was about to ask her again when she blinked. “Well, you know. Since you and Nili..” she shrugged again, realising that Finn hadn’t connected those dots himself. 

Finn frowned, opened his mouth and then closed it again. Trying to go through a summery of his memories of everything that had happened. “But… Yea.. but, why..?” he said, still frowning before looking at Rey quietly sipping her drink again, her cheeks already going rosy. She blinked, her eyebrows drawn up high and he knew that look. She was trying to look innocent, or as if she knew nothing, when in reality the opposide was true. Finn gave her his best glare before she sighed and gave in. “Look Finn, everyone with eyes could see he was a more than a little jealous. I don’t know if that’s all there’s to it, but you two were very close before she showed up.” 

Finn needed a second to process her words, thinks that, yes she’s right, but.. jealous? Of Nili? Wasn’t that different? He takes another minute to think and Rey sighs and gets up. “Thank you for the drink,” she says softly, leaning down to run her fingers through his short hair gently. “Don’t go yet,” he says too quick as he gets up to walk her to the door. 

“I’ll be back soon.” She says, never one to make pretence or beat around the bush. They hug briefly and she pats him on the chest. “Go talk to him. It’ll be good for both of you.” She nods at him and he returns it a little reluctant.

When she’s gone the room is empty again and it leaves Finn with his messed up thoughts. 

Altough he never went out of his way to avoid Poe and always tried to greet the other at least, he didn’t actually confront the other about the shift in their relationship either.  
It’s a few days later that Finn finds himself walking down the corridor at night. Heading towards their little bar, which had its own room at the larger base instead of just being a converted cantina, like before. He had learned plenty of things sitting at the bar with his friend while sipping strange drinks. It was something he had missed more than he’d admit and all he could do now was hope Poe would be there tonight. And that the other wouldn’t bolt the moment Finn showed his face. 

He felt himself unable not to smile when his gaze landed on Poe almost immediatly. The pilot was standing on the small dance floor with a few others. His eyes closed, brows knitted together just a little. His body moving to the beat effortlessly as he swayed. His mouth moving just lightly to sing along with a word or two. Finn quickly ordered himself a drink, gulping half of it down in one go as his eyes went back tot he image of Poe swaying to the music. Finn shifting in his seat to get a better view when Snap moved to block it for a moment. Finn realised what he was doing and rubbed a hand over his face, thinking this was ridiculous. Yet, the spark he felt again by just watching Poe from afar told him he had to face the facts. 

Thee drinks in was when Poe finally noticed him. The pilot had opened his eyes and was laughing, leaning in to speak to Jessica over the loud music. Looking over her shoulder and suddenly catching Finn’s gaze from across the bar. It was as if someone had paused everything around them as they held eyecontact for a long moment

Poe snapped out of it when Jessica nudged him, giving her a quick smile before she spotted Finn too and gave his shoulder a squeeze. Finn noticed he had tensed considerably, trying to relax but it was no use. Poe was heading for him, but not making eye contact until he reached the bar and had ordered drinks for the both of them. “Finn,” he said, jovially and as if he hadn’t spotted the other just before.  
Finn knew Poe well and altough the other was good at masking his emotions, Finn could see right through him now. “Hey,” he replied quietly, motioning for Poe to sit.  
The older man looked out of his depths, fumbling for a moment before sitting down and sipping his drink. Before Finn could say anything, Poe looked up at him with a frown, hesitating but a more honest look in his dark eyes now as he slowly said, “Sorry,” 

It somehow caught Finn off guard, but confirmed his suspicions. So there had been something wrong. Now he just needed to ask Poe what it was, easy right? He steeled himself, took a deep breath and turned his head to face the other again. But when he parted his lips to speak, Poe reached out to brush his fingers over Finns hand that was resting on the bar. The former storm trooper felt as if someone punched him in the chest and just gaped at Poe for a moment. 

It was eventually Poe who spoke again, leaving Finn feeling like an idiot. “Let’s get out of here, yea?” 

They both hopped off the bar stools and Finn followed his friend, feeling a rush of adrenaline run through him and he had no idea why. He caught up to Poe eventually, when the other seemed to speed up a little but kept quiet. Bumping shoulders into the slightly smaller man to get his attention. Poe hummed a little in acknowledgement, moving to slip his arm through Finn’s as they walked further. It was enough to shut Finn up for now. 

Eventually they reached one of the side gates of the base that led to a scrap yard outside. Poe punched in his code to open the doors and they walked out into the dark. Finding them a small bench in the corner of the scrapjard, some small trees growing behind them, but Finn wasn’t able to make out much in the dark. He could see Poe well enoug though, the man’s soulfoul eyes already turned to him when he looked at his friend after sitting down.

“Look Finn, I..” And he bit his lip, looked down and back up at Finn again and Finn just knew his friend was going to apologise again. Somehow, Finns instincts kicked in. Thinking that was the last thing he wanted. Poe had nothing to apologise for. And suddenly he was moving forwards, leaning in he had done so many times before and closing the space between them. Feeling Poe’s breath against his lips before pressing them together. A spark rushing through him, thinking that, yes, this was right, it had been right all along.

His mind was screaming in confusion and joy all at the same time as they kissed slowly, Poe’s lips a little frozen still in what he guessed was disturbance. When he leaned back, he gave the other a small smile. Watching Poe’s face shift from absolute shock before exploding into joy and laughing softly. His eyes crinckling as the pilot brought hands up to squeeze Finns shoulders, but Finn saw the happiness fade from his friends face just as quick again and he desperately shifted forward a little, cupping Poe’s face in his hands.

“Poe, look-“ he said quickly, not even sure what would follow next.  
He saw that spark of hope in the others eyes, the exact same he had seen that first day they met on the Finalizer. Finn felt something in his stomach flip and he sighed softly, leaning in to brush their lips together lightly, but for a moment unable to pull away. 

“I … Didn’t know. I mean… can we? Two guys?” he said very quietly againts his friends lips, eyes cast downwards now and letting go of Poe’s face slowly. Feeling Poe move quikly to catch his hands and entwine fingers in their lap, squeezing him softly but insistant. 

The older one makes some sort of choking sound and clears his troath, letting out a strangled laugh before he feels Poe’s lips press against his cheek. “Finn, buddy, of course. There’s no..? Did they teach you that when they trained you?” he hisses angrily into the night air and Finn could almost feel the fire in the other’s voice. It made him smile to himself and shake his head. “Doesn’t matter.” He decides, squeezing Poe’s fingers with his own and calming the pilot down just like that. Finally able to look at Poe freely and give him an open smile, seeing it mirrored back at him radiating from his lovers face.


End file.
